Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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