I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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