the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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