Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
