Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
