I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
