My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
