@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
