i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
