I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
