i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Randomize
