i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
