Fuck appropriateness.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
