Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.