Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
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