By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
That reminds me...we need to get swords
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
