im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
