my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
