he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
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