I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
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