They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
