1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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