At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
