I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Randomize
