if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
