Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
