i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
