FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
