Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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