so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
We just shotgunned beers for America
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
