conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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