im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
