I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
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