Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
