So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
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The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
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