The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
