I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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