I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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