so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
