dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Randomize
