when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
