babies were throwing up all over the place
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
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