Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Randomize
