We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
