i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
No stitches, just platelets and will power
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Randomize
