it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
