We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
