3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
