i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Randomize
