Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Randomize
