I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
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Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
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Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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