Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
