I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
You're earring is so big in my mouth
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
