If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
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